I Won’t Sleep With You Right Away if I Like You
But not for the reasons you’ve been told
Own your sexuality! Be sexually liberated! You can have sex like a man too!
Hm. I can see why men are confused when I won’t sleep with them on a first date if I like them.
If I don’t, your chances of a 2 AM text increase by 50%. But if I like you, I’ll throw every caution in the wind as the atmosphere turns hard and wet. On one such stormy night, a tornado of words found oxygen.
It was a second date, and he found himself in my bed. We were mostly naked. I say mostly because he was still sporting a pair of briefs. And I had on a sad excuse for a thong. $50 for 2 cm of fabric. The kind that pleads to be delicately removed instead of ripped off. He may have noticed but his hands were preoccupied elsewhere. His fingertips found a sweet spot that makes me moan every time. Coordinates: inner thighs, inches from my crotch.
“When was the last time you had sex?” I blurted out, trying to create conversation to slow things down.
“2 weeks ago, with uh…a friend with benefits. Not anyone I’m dating,” he responded, as he kissed me more aggressively. I appreciated his honesty.
“Have you ever slept with a married person?” I inquired next. Naturally.
A long pause. “Yes, awhile ago. Well, she was engaged.”
I felt him getting harder against my pelvis. At this point, I am sure he’d like any reason to keep me quiet though I don’t afford him the joys of silence.
“Do you see that bag at the top of my closet?” I ask, trying to divert attention to something other than my body. He took his eyes off me for a moment and looks up, preplexed. “Ya. what’s in it?”
“Sex toys.”
“You’re naughty. How many do you have?” he remarks as he leaves a trail of kisses down to my navel.
“All of them,” I respond with a giggle as I try to pull him back up to eye level.
If this was my plan to slow things down I should get a D. He can tell I’m squirmish, and finally, I tell him not tonight.
Disappointed, he gets up to leave. I don’t blame him. I offer him to sleepover, but I can tell he wants to go home and find some relief.
You might be wondering why a sexually liberated woman in her 30s didn’t sleep with a guy she was obviously and wildly into. It wasn’t because I felt shameful or that I didn’t want to rake up my number. It wasn’t because I wanted to be a tease or make him have to wait for it. And it wasn’t because I was just not that into him. The opposite, in fact.
I was starting to like him. And when there are feelings involved, I’d rather wait for intimate, meaningful sex rather than hookup sex. And at that precise point, we stood somewhere in the middle. I wanted to give the feelings a little more time to perculate.
Do I place unrealistic expectations on sex or do others water it down too much?
I still subscribe meaning to the first time I sleep with someone new that I have feelings for, desiring the connection of mind, heart and body. Reducing that feeling down to “it’s just sex” feels dishonest for me. Like Mark Mason, the author of the book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, says, “Evolution has intertwined our drive for sex with our psychological needs for esteem and connection.” Sometimes, fighting evolution isn’t a battle I want to wage.
I will admit, I did mess up that night. I didn’t own my feelings. As a society, I fear we have overcorrected for the “sexually liberated persona” too much. As if I said something, maybe he would subscribe too much meaning to my words so I kept silent.
Mr. sexually frustrated, and I did eventually sleep together then spooned on the couch and shared a carton of Haagen-Daz white chocolate raspberry ice cream.
Serotonin receptors ran wild. While the relationship didn’t last much longer, it was worth the wait.
Not sure that’s qualities of an addict or someone who is a glutton for punishment. Either way, remember next time someone doesn’t sleep with you, it doesn’t mean they are interested and it doesn’t mean they aren’t (unless they say so), it might just mean they believe waiting will give them a higher high.
“I was chasing highs ’til I found you. We’re doing it in slow motion.” — ALMA.
Oh and when we do finally sleep together, he can spank me for the distress I put him through.
Xoxo, Zoe.
